Life's a Bitch
by EternalPandemonium
Summary: In which Tsuna and his guardians are interns for the Varia Co., a sister company of Vongola Co. Office AU. Crack.


Made this story a long time ago for the intention of making this a...serious? internship AU for KHR and never had the chance to post it. Saw it again years later, and now here we are.

I'm planning to make this a series of one shots, but I don't know if I can due to my schedule. But let's see.

Warning: some references

* * *

Three days ago, the Varia Co. was blessed with four interns, Sawada Tsunayoshi, Gokudera Hayato, Sasagawa Ryohei and Yamamoto Takeshi, who wished to contribute to their company, as well as to receive proper training and experience. But let's not kid ourselves here. We all know the interns only pursued the internship simply because it's a requirement.

The four were introduced to the whole staff by not the HR director – because God knows they have none – but rather the menacing boss, Xanxus, who only left them with the words, "Here are the interns. Now stop pestering me and work. Levi, bring me a bottle of Tequila. Now."

It was a normal day in the Varia Co. The staff were doing their normal routine, if by normal routine you mean Leviathan being his usual slave-of-the-boss self, Lussuria sewing tons of uniforms he would propose to the boss, and Squalo screaming his ass off to a caller, at the same time commanding something to a grinning Belphegor, who was kind enough to give him the nickname "commander". Fran and Mammon were nowhere to be found, as they were still currently sleeping in their respective houses. The two were the most notorious late comers. It was still a mystery as to why Xanxus hasn't sacked them yet. Probably too lazy to do it, the bastard.

The interns, on the other hand, were huddled in the same work area swamped with a mountain of paperworks. It seemed the staff had dumped it all to them.

All in all, it was fairly normal until Tsuna asked a question that broke the routine in the work place.

"So how did the boss exactly get those scars?" he asked out of the blue.

It was unusual for him to start a conversation, but he felt the need to ask. After all, it wouldn't be bad to know his boss, would it?

Although, he could have picked a better question, in Lussuria's opinion. The question was rather insensitive.

Anyway, every regular worker of the Varia Co. stopped what they were all doing and stared at Tsuna, well much like Belphegor just whipped his head in Tsuna's direction and grinned. Tsuna wouldn't really know if he's staring or not.

Even the youngsters' interests were piqued.

The stares were intense and for the first couple of minutes, he already started to show signs of discomfort. It would have been a good example of an all vs. 1 staring contest had Squalo not spoken.

"...Voi! Do you really want to fucking know?" he asked in a hushed tone, as though to confirm if Tsuna's insane to have to ask such question. The caller's shouts were heard in the background.

Tsuna gulped but nevertheless, he still wanted to know.

Squalo slammed the phone and hung up. That felt very satisfying, he mused. "Very well, then, brats. Pre-"

But Squalo was interrupted by a sobbing Lussuria. "No, Squ-chan! Stop it! They're all too young! They can't handle such tragedy!"

"Vooooiii! Shut up! If they want to know, then they fucking deserve to!"

Lussuria's sobs grew louder. "B-But you don't have the right to reveal Boss' past!"

"Says who? It's fucking written on his fucking profile in that motherfucking Facebook." Squalo turned to Leviathan. "Oi, Levi! Dim the fucking lights!"

Leviathan complied and Lussuria's sobbing can still be heard in the background.

Pulling up a nearby chair, Squalo started to tell the tale. The already dim lights became dimmer and a spotlight shone above his head. "It all started when Xanxus-"

Cue Lussuria's gross sobbing.

"VOOOIII! YOU MOTHERFUCKER KEEP IT DOWN!" He cleared his throat. "It all started when Xanxus ran away from his fucking home."

It was Ryohei's turn to ask, or rather a question popped in the midst of the audience. "Why? Wasn't he happy?"

Squalo's eyebrow twitched. Uh, wrong question kid. "Of course he wasn't fucking happy! Why would he fucking run away in the first place?!" After a sigh escaped his lips, he massaged his temples and proceeded with the story. He really needed to get an anger management session.

"He wasn't fucking happy with what was thrown at his face. His father, the boss of our sister company, the Vongola Co., appointed him as the boss of this shitty corporation, but he didn't want that. Apparently he detested too much responsibility being thrown to him so he ran away at the day of the welcoming ceremony. "

"He took one of the helicopters they owned." Suprisingly, Belphegor interjected. Cue spotlight shifting to his direction. "Shishi, unfortunately for the boss when he was at Antarctica, a huge ass storm was currently taking place and the storm managed to damage the helicopter. He was thrown at a hollow ice with the shape of the cauldron, and the walls were very high so there was no means of escape. Soon he heard the sound of the waves, and when he looked up, he saw the waves closing down on him."

"Seven years later, the search party dispatched by his father found the boss." The whole setting was completely void of light and everyone searched for the speaker. The spotlight shone and revealed a very forlorn Leviathan. "And I, Leviathan, was part of that search party."

Le gasp from the audience.

"We searched the world for seven years. Seven years...seven motherfucking years!" At this point the dam broke and Leviathan was reduced to a blubbering mess. "It took us seven years to find him!"

Lussuria, who was wiping his tears with his tenth hanky, rushed over to the crying man and gave him a box of tissue.

The others may never see because of the darkness, but Squalo was looking over the two and growling in irritation while Bel was grinning like his usual self.

Suddenly, the only source of light vanished with a click and with that same annoying click the spotlight shone once again. A new speaker entered the fray.

The speaker was sitting on chair with his back to everyone. A huge apple rested where his head should be. "We found him frozen in a spherical chunk of ice," he said.

From his seat, Gokudera was inhaling heaps of oxygen while he gaped at the appearance of the new speaker. He was trembling, and honestly, it was freaking the hell out of Tsuna, who was unfortunate to be beside him. "Apple head...! Is that a new type of specie? Don't tell me...are you an alien?!" Gokudera's shrill voice echoed in the darkness.

"Absolutely not." It was then that the person calmly faced everyone. "Anyway, we broke the ice using a crowbar."

In the midst of the audience, Yamamoto leaned over to Tsuna and asked him, "Tsuna, do you know what his name is? I forgot."

"No, sorry, I forgot. I think it's some kind of sweet thing," he replied.

Yamamoto thought it would be a nice idea to ask Squalo, and speaking of the long-haired man, he was calmly sitting and paying attention like a badass motherfucker when the intern disrupted his peace. Safe to say he was angry - - understatement of the century.

"VOI! What do you want, you piece of shit! Can't you see I'm paying attention?"

"Well that's new," Bel commented from somewhere.

A vein throbbed in Squalo's head. He was not amused. "Voi! Bel! I'm gonna rip off your tongue and feed it to th-"

Yamamoto chose that time to interrupt, which would have been a very stupid thing to do, "I believe I asked a question?"

Squalo whipped his head with the speed of light and directed his ire at his intern, "I believe I will cut your face if you don't shut up now!"

"I believe I am talking," the apple person, who was now donning a frog headdress, piped up from the spotlight.

"Shut up, Fran! And why are you late?" the irate man faced him.

Meanwhile, Bel responded to further the ire of the long-haired man, "I do believe in miracles!"

Their commotion stopped when the spotlight disappeared and the dimmed light brightened. They all winced and shut their eyes at the sudden brightness. Suddenly, the ominous click of shoes echoed in the room and yet another speaker had arrived to join in.

A man with a tattoo on his cheeks and who was donning a hoodie which covered his eyes spoke. He was also holding different folders. "And I believe I can fly," he calmly said. "Anyway, do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"

The interns nodded.

With perfect ease, he delivered the rest of the story with a monotone voice. "The ice cracked. Then the whole thing glowed like a bald man's head," he said.

He didn't speak after a few minutes.

Sensing that that was the end of the story, Tsuna blurted out in disbelief, "That's it?! What happened next?"

In agreement with Tsuna, Yamamoto nodded his head seriously. "Yeah. That's not cool, man. You didn't even have any sound effects, like vroom vroom, or kira kira!"

"What are you, a kid?" The newcomer sighed at the intern's expressions. "Fine fine, I will only give the short version, so listen well, or I'll charge you."

At this, the interns waited with baited breath.

"Long story short, long ago, Xanxus and his father lived together in harmony. But everything changed when Xanxus ran away from home. His father's new corporation, Varia, really needed a boss and when they needed him the most, he vanished. After seven years the search team found him, and although he has a body of an adult, he still has the mind of a teen, an angsty one at that, thus he has a lot to learn before he's ready to save Varia from their impending doom of sales drop."

He adjusted the files he was holding and commanded monotonously, "Now stop the story time and start working before the boss drops by and kill us all."

The man immediately went to his work area after, not bothering to look back to the stunned faces of the interns. At the man's action, the whole Varia Co., minus the interns, went back to their respective work areas.

Tsuna was the first to break out of his stupor.

"That was rather, uhm, intense?" he told Yamamoto.

Yamamoto laughed. "Well, you asked, haha!"


End file.
